Archive for 2007

It’s Raining Poop

I was reading an article about weird workplace encounters today and one story in particular caught my eye: “A radio station employee was threatened at gunpoint when an angry patron was unhappy with the promotional bumper stickers he received. The patron demanded McDonald’s coupons instead; when the employee didn’t have any, the man flashed what looked like a handgun. She searched her car and found a coupon for a free cheeseburger. The man took it, made a derogatory comment about the radio station and rode away on his bike.”

What a country. Every time I read stuff like this it puts me in mind of how, no matter how bad my job is at times it could always be worse. Also, I cracked up when I read this because, honestly, he threatened her with a handgun because he wanted McDonald’s coupons? That is a serious McNugget jones he’s working there. And then he rode away on his bike?! How very cosmopolitan.

The reason I bring this up is that I’ve had a bit of a rough day. It was a classically bad day in that it started bad, got a little bit worse, and then faded into the kind of uncomfortable obscurity that makes you dread what’s coming next. My manager is so mad at me that she wrote an email to me in large font, all CAPITAL LETTERS, in red ink, with the word “Hell” strategically placed in it. Then she sent me another email, again in caps, reiterating her point. She hasn’t spoken to me all day and I can’t help but feel that now that the crap has hit the fan, what went up must come down and it’s going to be raining poop any second now.

To top it off, however, is the fact that she’s conducting my employee performance review tomorrow. I think that’s going to go well, don’t you? Making things even better is the prospect of dropping Doc off at the vet tomorrow for his very inclusive bris. My review is at 9am so I’ll drop my puppy off at the vet for surgery and then walk right into my performance review. I’m telling you, weekends were made for weeks like this.

I will write about the sure-to-be-wonderful events tomorrow, well, tomorrow. So for now I’m Erika Mitchell, signing out.

Post to Twitter Post to Digg Post to StumbleUpon

The Flashing Blue Light of Clarity

Do you ever just walk around, pass a person you think is crazy, and then realize that this person is just more high-tech than you are and think that maybe it’s time to stop judging people but then you realize you can’t because pseudo-crazy-lady looks like she hasn’t brushed her hair in about a decade? As you can probably deduce, this happened to me about four hours ago.

I was walking through the lobby of my building and walking toward me was a woman wearing a rain slicker and sporting the largest mass of tangles I have ever seen. Her hair was not good. Naturally frizzy hair + rain + comb phobia = perma-crazy look. To top it off she appeared to be talking. To someone. Someone unseen. An invisible friend. That’s right, she was talking about ice cream with someone who wasn’t there.

I must have turned my head to look at her three times. I was just incredulous. How does a hallucinating schizophrenic wind up in my lobby? Wonders never cease. Anyway, as I’m trying to avoid eye contact and sudden movements we pass and I catch a glimpse of a blue light flashing from within her nest of hair-tangles. Suddenly it all falls into place: she’s wearing a wireless Bluetooth headset! And she looks insane doing it because no one can see the headset! Thank you, crazy-tangles.

Who knows how often people nowadays gets mistaken for loony tunes just because their headsets are hidden? I know that bald guys can get away with it but I feel strongly that people with dark hair, long hair, frizzy hair, or bad lighting should avoid using these headsets in public lest they be involuntarily committed or assaulted.

Just think, you’re on the phone talking to your husband/wife/friend/suicide hotline operator about that person at work who is just so awful that they make you want to go crazy. Some poor person who’s in the elevator with you and happens to join into the conversation without any context and can’t see your headset will probably hear something like this: “Seriously, I’m going crazy. I don’t know how much longer I can take it. What should I do? No, I can’t do that, that’s probably illegal. Do it anyway? HeeHee, you are so funny sometimes, think of the mess!”. That hapless soul in the elevator is probably going to start inching away from you real fast.

If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s this: if you’re losing your mind, be discreet. If you’re not losing your mind, try as hard as possible to make sure others don’t find it ridiculously easy to think your cheese has slipped off your cracker.

Post to Twitter Post to Digg Post to StumbleUpon

We did it! We survived the Thanksgiving weekend and it was a lot of fun, actually. We had dinner with Wes’ family on Thursday, spent Friday doing housework and yard work, helped with the baby shower on Saturday, and then ate dinner with my family on Sunday. It was busy but very pleasant all around.

It looks like the next few weekends are apt to be as busy as the last one. We are having dinner with Wes’ family on Saturday to celebrate his brother’s 30th birthday and then on Sunday we are having some friends over for dinner. They are vegetarians and I’m excited to cook for them because I’ve found some tasty recipes that I’ve never gotten to try out before (owing to Wesley’s strict adherence to a meat-centric diet). We still have to figure out when we’re going Christmas shopping so that’s been giving me a bit of a headache. It seems like time goes quickest when you have the most to accomplish!

In spite of all the crazy-busy, I have a tale I would like to tell. An epic tale of a sink, a bowl, and one man’s quest to appease his wife. It was Wednesday night. I had just gotten home and walked into the kitchen. The puppy, frenetic with glee as usual, occupies my attention for the first few minutes I’m home. After appeasing his manic desire for affection I turn and behold my husband. Crestfallen, bemused, he’s standing in front of the sink with his wet hands in front of him and chagrin painted across his face.

I, being the grand mistress of subtlety that I am, fail to notice and just go upstairs and change. I come back downstairs and ask him how his day was. He then regales me with a story about how, in the throes of cleaning up his Mac n’ Cheese mess, he was surprised to find that physics is funny in our kitchen and sometimes glass can explode for no reason at all. He was washing a small glass bowl when it unexpectedly exploded in his hand. He wasn’t injured, thank goodness, but the glass cascaded down into the garbage disposal and had jammed the motor.

At first, I was nonplussed. I asked him, “How did it explode? Were you angry with it? Did you bang it into something? How does a structurally sound glass bowl just *kaboom!* all over the sink?” Neither of us having the answers, I make dinner and he goes to his computer to attempt to find a solution.

Fast forward to two hours later. Having just washed the dishes using the little food trap thingie in the sink I realize how much of a pain it is to not be able to use the garbage disposal. So, I turn to Wes with a desperate plea, “Please, honey, fix my sink!”. He sighs and resigns himself to the thousand-years long legacy of men who fix things for their wives.

After perusing the repair manual he realized that we were lacking the special tool necessary to unlock the Chamber of Secrets (also known as the compartment that houses the motor of the garbage disposal). Not to be deterred, he examined every tool we own and fashioned the perfect tool using the disparate parts that are scattered throughout our house. After creating this special tool he laid down under the sink with his feet and legs just sticking out and he fixed that sucker. Just like that, BAM! Problem solved.

Our garbage disposal issued a challenge and Wes not only answered that challenge but he OWNED that challenge. Broken Sink: 0 Handiman Wes: 1. Heck yes.

Post to Twitter Post to Digg Post to StumbleUpon

At Least I’m Not a Turkey

Oh boy, here we go again. Another round of holidays for me, thanks, straight up and with a twist! I figured out this morning that Wes and I are leaving for Mexico in three weeks. THREE WEEKS. Oh my goodness, that’s hardly even enough time to make a decent cheese! After I figured out that our vacation was truly impending, Wes and I spent about 15 minutes planning out our weekends in order to ensure that everything (i.e. Christmas shopping) was taken care of before we left.

I never fail to be amazed at how quickly life can go from zero to screaming. I woke up this morning thinking I had plenty of time to prepare for the holidays and now I realize that the holidays are so close they are breathing on my neck and kind of smell like caramel popcorn.

One thing that Wes noticed about me, though, is that once I’ve realized that I’m going to be busy I freak out because I attempt to swallow everything I have to do in one voracious gulp. Apparently, I’m not a python and this doesn’t work very well. For Wes’ sanity’s sake I have decided to heed his advice and try to take all the many and varied tasks set before me step by step. I get so overwhelmed and then I overwhelm Wes and then the only happy person left in our house is the puppy and that’s sad because we should all be as happy as the puppy (seriously, I think he’s the happiest creature in the world. Everything is a celebration for him. When he wakes up he’s just thrilled to see you. If we give him a new chew he is so ecstatic that he spends about 5 minutes tossing the chew up into the air in sheer jubilation. If we’re running down the street and he finds a stick it’s Hooray! can you please pass the joy?) .

An important thing to remember also is that although I’m going to be very busy for the next few days I’m going to be busy with very joyous celebrations. I’m not scheduling impalements in between dismemberment and the rack, I’m eating/cooking good food and celebrating my newest niece. Things could be worse, yes?

Unfortunately, this perspective is not my natural response to the situation. I was not blessed with is a permanently good attitude. Having a positive outlook and good attitude are two things I struggle with quite a bit, actually. I seem bubbly and effervescent but I naturally gravitate toward being grumpy and difficult when I’m stressed (just ask my co-workers!). With enough vodka and chocolate I can survive pretty much anything, though, and the holidays are rife with both! So that’s my job for the next month and a half: have a good attitude and try to maintain a healthy perspective. Oh, and also, try not to explode.

Post to Twitter Post to Digg Post to StumbleUpon

This is Your Brain on Chick Lit

I’ve been wanting to write about some of the books I read for awhile now but my job’s been very demanding lately (I know, I’m incredulous too) and it feels like the creativity has been sucked out of my skull. It’s back, however, owing to the three-day workweek, and I’m sitting at my desk with a big ol’ mug of apple cider and I’m raring and ready to discuss a book I finished recently.

It’s called The Shoe Queen by Anna Davis. The premise is that a high-society woman living in Paris during the 1920’s can have any pair of shoes she wants but the ones she really wants will require her to commit adultery with the cobbler because he’s a man-whore and she’s, well, pathetic. You might ask, “Why did I read a book with such a stupid plot?”. I’ve been asking myself that too. I remember picking it up off the shelf at the library and thinking that the cover was beautiful. When I read the jacket I remember wondering how you could possibly write a whole novel about a woman and shoes. I guess curiosity was the true motivator here.

Now, even though the plotline was rather weak, it was a beautiful book. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it because the author did a very good job at transporting the reader back to Paris in the 1920’s. In that regard it was fun to read. I suppose if I had to put a finger on what bothered me about the book it’s that there’s a definite undercurrent in women’s literature that stipulates that every female main character must be unhappy with her husband/boyfriend because he doesn’t understand her. Therefore, because she craves that understanding, she must either flirt with the idea of or commit the act of cheating and then suffer the consequences. It’s pretty sad for a number of reasons.

First of all, no man understands any woman. Likewise, no woman understands any man. That’s the whole point. I am by no means an expert on marriage but I’m pretty sure that this is a universal truth. It bothers me that these authors are propagating the notion that it’s possible to find happiness in the arms of another man because that man is a sensitive artist and really gets you. I know women who have tried this. Women who have left their husbands and attempted to find true happiness with other men. This has never once worked out for them. What they find instead are the same problems they faced in their previous relationships, only now with more baggage. The grass isn’t greener in another man’s yard, it’s just harder to see at first.

Another reason why this whole women’s literature trend toward adultery is so sad is because I feel like it reflects the values of a society that has become consumed with the self. It’s almost as though the notions of commitment, fidelity, and sacrifice have become passé in favor of a relentless crusade to ensure the happiness and fulfillment of the individual. All these novels (I’ve read about 20 so far) have the same idea in common: women deciding that their lives are unsatisfactory so they decide to leave whoever they’re with because obviously it’s all the man’s fault.

I may be getting dangerously close to preachy so I’ll stop now. Anyway, I suppose the point of these books is to entertain the minds of women, not to enlighten or educate. I just wish that the minds of women, mine included, did not find this subject matter to be entertaining.

Perhaps the time has come for me to quit women’s literature, much like I had to kick my Perez Hilton habit. I’m reading a book now that is not only entertaining but also has substance (!). It’s called The Girls of Riyadh. I’m enjoying it so far but it’s been quite eye-opening. The narrative revolves around the lives of four upper-class girls living in Saudi Arabia which, as I’m sure you know, is extremely different from America. It’s given me much to think about and I’m barely halfway through yet. It feels nice to dust off my brain and get it churning around ideas again. I think I’ll read A Thousand Splendid Suns next. My co-worker recommended it to me and I’m looking forward to discussing it with her.

One last thought before I sign off…I loved “300”! It was a beautiful movie. Watching it felt like watching artwork breathe and move and the story was very inspiring. I liked it so much that I insisted that we watch it again (I was skeptical about the movie until about the halfway point and I wanted to watch the beginning again knowing I liked the movie. My like or dislike of a movie changes the experience for me). My favorite line in particular was when the Persian messenger was talking to the King at the beginning. He asks the King what makes his wife, the Queen, think she can speak to a man in such a way. The Queen answers, “Because only Spartan women give birth to real men”. That line made me smile, if only because I so look forward to having my own little warriors to raise.

Post to Twitter Post to Digg Post to StumbleUpon