Bust Out the Nap Mats

So, my post yesterday was not very uplifting, nor was it particularly artistic or well-written.  It was kind of a mess, really.  I’ve decided I’m ok with publishing those every now and again, but no more than that, lest my readers decide to start charging me for therapy services rendered.

I am vastly comforted by the feedback I received on the post, however.  Sometimes you just need people to remind you that the situation is larger than your little monkeybrain can compute at the moment.  My hormone addled monkeybrain and I appreciate your comments and help.

I thought I might celebrate my (temporarily?) recovered sanity by sharing a funny little observation Wes and I made at our birthing class last night.

We have snack time in our birthing class, which is exactly as awesome as it sounds, and every week two of the couples bring in snacks for everyone.  The snack this week was string cheese, Babybel cheese, Ritz crackers, apple slices, and Oreo cookies.  Wes and I grabbed a plate with an assortment and sat down next to another couple.

I said, “I love this snack, it’s very fancy this week.”  I meant it.  Here I was with some cheese, some crackers, and some fruit.  In my mind, it was one glass of Pinot Grigio away from being a sophisticated repast.

The girl sitting next to me laughed and said, “Yes, just like kindergarten!”

And then we realized: Cheese, crackers, and fruit can either be a fancy snack or a kindergarten snack.  It just depends on what you drink with it.  If you add wine, it’s a fancy party.  If you add grape juice, bust out the nap mats and eat some glue because it’s kindergarten hour.

Silly, huh?

My Pernicious Pet Peeves

Oh yay!  I’m excited, because the lovely ladies over at Girl Talk Thursday have another fun topic this week and I’m going to follow in Diane‘s fine footsteps and add my own list to the lists of so many others.  I did this once before, and had a blast, so I thought, “Hey, why not?”

Besides, it’s not as though my blog is drowning in new content this week (I wonder if slacker bloggers are on anyone’s pet peeves list…)

Ok!  So, my pet peeves…

People who misuse words that sound similar but really aren’t. For example, someone who uses eminent when they meant imminent.  Affect vs. effect, illicit vs. elicit, insure vs. ensure, you get the idea.  This bothers me most in writing.  When spoken, sometimes I can give someone the benefit of the doubt owing to speech patterns and the general unwieldiness of the human tongue, but in writing?  There’s no excuse.

Bad table manners. I don’t want to see you chewing away with your mouth open, hear you slurp your soup out of your spoon, or watch as your napkin sits unused by the side of your plate while food speckles the corners of your mouth and the top of your lap.  Sure, not everyone knows how to drink wine properly, and very few people know how to eat an artichoke at a fancy restaurant, but criminy.  How difficult is it to not behave at a restaurant like you’re eating a Hungryman dinner in your underwear while watching reality TV?

People who choose squiggly fonts in bright colors for their work emails. Unless you are the director of admissions for clown college, this kind of thing is not cute.  Or endearing.  It’s unprofessional, and it makes me want to delete your email without even reading it.  How am I supposed to take a requisition request seriously when it looks like a kindergartner scribed it with a crayon?

Calorie counts at restaurants. Actually, let’s just include most instances of the government trying to “help” me.  I don’t want your help.  I don’t need to know that my scone has 700 calories, I don’t want to pay higher taxes so you can “help” me get health insurance I’m able to procure on my own thanks so much.  If you want to help me, leave me alone.  I’m a big girl, I can decide whether my hips are capable of adding a scone here and there, and I can get health insurance on my own.  Seriously government, do us all a favor: Stop “helping” the economy with stimulus packages and just leave us alone.  Your spending is helping all right.  Helping us all into an early grave.

Weed smokers at concerts. You’re standing there at a concert, super excited and waiting for the band to start playing, when the smell hits your nose: Weed.  Foul, stinky, weed.  Thanks to some jack-hole who can’t enjoy live music without being high as a kite, you’re forced (literally, you can’t escape thanks to the press of bodies all around you) to partake in an illegal substance against your will.  I don’t think weed is evil.  I don’t think it’ll ruin your whole life.  What I do think is that it’s inconsiderate to remove my ability to choose what goes into my body.

People who leave public bathrooms in complete disarray. I was at Babies R Us this weekend and the bathroom was so unspeakably foul I was actually angry that I had to use it so often.  How is it ok to leave toilet paper all over the floor, or bodily fluids dripping off the toilet?  Where is the decency, man?

That’s all I can come up with for now.  How about you?  Any pet peeves you want to get off your chest?

Top Mommy Blogger?

I’m not sure I qualify, but I was nominated as a Top Mommy Blogger over at Babble.  Do you feel like voting for me?  You can do so here if you like.

Just go to that page, look toward the very bottom (Or do Ctrl+F and search for Parsing Nonsense), and then click “I Like This Blogger”.  Easy peasy.  I’m flattered to be nominated, but still feel rather like a guppy who got lost and ended up at Sea World.

Sledgehammer to the Face

Wow, I feel like today grabbed my by the ears, spun me around so fast my feet left the ground, and then let me loose so I could fly unhindered into a tree.  I’m fine, meaning I’m not horribly injured physically or anything, but I feel like I’m pulling little twigs and baby birds out of my hair while wondering what in the heck just happened to me.

Today was my second day back to work after an epic two weeks off, and so far both days have thoroughly kicked my behind.  My poor brain, which has been used to a daily nap right around mid-afternoon, keeps politely tugging on my sleeve and inquiring when we’ll get to rest while I struggle to make sense on the phone and keep my hair from catching fire.

Not helping matters is my sudden fondness for insomnia between the dastardly hours of 2 AM and 4 AM.  I was awake during those hours this very morning because my freaking feet were too hot.  I mean, is that not the lamest freaking excuse ever for not being able to sleep?

I kid you not, the alarm clock felt like nothing so much as a sledgehammer right to my face this morning.

This made work an interesting proposition today.  I have been officially relieved of my additional duties as my colleague is now back from her maternity leave, and I was a little worried that this meant I wouldn’t have enough to do.

This is where the universe laughs at my expense.

It turns out that all my responsibilities that I hadn’t quite had time to get to because I was doing another person’s job didn’t disappear.  They were quietly biding their time in the corner and they all jumped me en masse today.  I have to admit, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Wes has also been really busy.  He’s gotten numerous calls from recruiters, all of whom have jobs they assure him he’s perfect for.  He’s had three phone interviews and one actual interview, and he is one hot little tamale as he balances out phone calls, sending out his resume for new jobs, interviews, and skills assessments.

It’s so encouraging to know that his skills and talents make him hireable.  We have no idea which, if any, of these job opportunities will pan out but it puts him back in action and I think he’s enjoying the heck out of it.

If I were way lame I’d totally stick a sports analogy in right there.  Something about benches and getting back in the game.  Because I’m lame in an entirely different way, I’ll just say that it’s good to see him so flustered and busy.  He’s worked really hard to get to this point.