Wes and I had the lovely opportunity to eat breakfast together this morning. He cooked up pancakes and omelettes and we sat down to watch “Planet Earth”. We selected the “Jungles” episode and watched as all manners of beautiful plants and animals paraded by in front of our eyes.
We watched male Birds of Paradise trying to attract the ladies by dancing around with their crazy plumage displays and agreed that this was the perfect thing to watch on Valentine’s Day.
Alas, it was not meant to be. Enter the frogs. There we were, placidly eating breakfast together, when the show moved onto the most disturbing scenes I have ever seen.
The show was displaying some Amazon Tree Frogs and how they make sounds and attract mating-buddies (Interesting fact: frogs’ ears are tuned to only hear the sounds of their own species). The narrator was detailing how females are drawn to the loudest male and thus have to climb to get to him.
Well, the quieter male frogs don’t seem to think the louder guy deserves the loving and so waylay the females who are trying to get the loudest frog. Piles upon piles of the lesser frogs attack these poor females and do unmentionable things to them. It’s really disturbing to watch and the females don’t seem too happy about it either.
You have to wonder whether the loud male is all alone at the top of the tree wondering why no one’s interested in what he’s offering.
The point of this is that, no matter how bad your Valentine’s day is, be glad you’re not a female tree frog. Be grateful that on your way to a very promising blind date you’re not likely to get attacked by groups of romantically undesireable men desperate to defile you. This applies whether you are a man or a woman, maybe particularly if you’re a man.
You may hate Valentine’s day with passionate fiery pathos and you may think that red and pink hearts are the direct spawn of Hell but I bet you’d rather get locked in a Hallmark store today than be jumped by piles of moist, horny frogs. Happy Valentine’s Day.