First things first: I took a pregnancy test this morning and it says, most emphatically, that I’m not pregnant.  I couldn’t stop my traitorous hands from shaking with excitement while I waited for the result, but I could stop myself from having a sad freak-out so I’m going to call this a win.  I was able to talk myself out of feeling morose by telling myself the following:

1. My doctor says it’ll probably take 3-4 months for my body to be completely free from the effects of being on the pill for so long.
2. A posse of mothers I talked to said not to start really trying until at least the fifth month.
3. This way I won’t be in the throes of morning sickness nausea when I go to visit my Dad next month.  That, in and of itself, is a very good thing because my Dad makes the most delicious food this side of Heaven and if I were too sick to eat it I’d be a very sad panda indeed.

If that weren’t enough to take my mind off the emptiness that is my uterus, I came head to head with KFC today and did not emerge unscathed.  You may have heard about the free meals KFC is giving away, but if you haven’t here’s the deal: KFC is trying to re-brand themselves as a healthier option, so they decided to give away free two-piece grilled chicken meals to anyone who printed the coupon off their site.

At first I was excited, because who doesn’t like free food?  My friend and I printed off coupons using our printer at work and toddle off to KFC looking forward to warm biscuits and our choice of two sides.  We walk into the restaurant and it’s nowhere near as packed as I thought it would be, so we smile and settle in to wait.

Ten minutes later the lines still hasn’t moved.  We start to get edgy and people start to leave.  The line finally starts to move and we get to the front of the line and place our order.  The woman behind the cash register takes one look at our coupons and tells us she can’t accept them because they don’t have a watermark.

Nowhere on the coupon site did it mention watermarks.  We look at an example she shows us and notice the yellow and orange watermark because it’s in color.  I attempt to explain to the woman (who, poor thing, is obviously not a native English speaker) that our printer is not calibrated to display light yellow and orange in black and white.  She looks terrified until her manager struts over and tells us we can’t use photocopied coupons.

We try again to explain that we didn’t use photocopies, we just didn’t print the coupons on a color printer but she tells us she won’t serve us no way no how.  So we left, dejected, rejected, without our meals and completely frustrated that our well-reasoned and articulate justification of our eligibility for a free two-piece meal fell on deaf ears.

What is the deal with that?  They were giving out free meals left and right, why couldn’t they just have served us some yummy food?  Did the manager think corporate headquarters were going to inspect each and every coupon and refuse to comp their supplies for those two meals because the watermarks were too faint?

I think she was unreasonable and rude, so that got me thinking about KFC and let me tell you, it’s no good when I start thinking about something when I’m peeved.  Bad things happen.  Their new ad campaign is “Unthink KFC”.  First of all, unthink is a really dumb-sounding word, and what their motto is really saying is that if you’re considering eating at KFC you should stop.

Seriously, think about it: What does “Unthink KFC” mean to you?

Also, their website is unthinkfc.com.  Now, I can see what they’re going for but what that looks like to me is UnThin KFC, which is to say that not only should you stop if you’re thinking about going to KFC, it’ll make you fat too.  Stupid ad execs who came up with this idea, stupid KFC watermarks that don’t print on black/white printers, stupid store manager who doesn’t understand greyscale calibration.

Oh, I WILL “unthink” you, KFC.  Even if you were the last fast-food chain in the post-apocalyptic dystopia of the future, I would rather cobble together a meal of wrappers and contempt than walk through your doors again.  I hope you’re happy, you chicken merchants of despair.