Closet Abolitionists

Today was characterized by a crushing low followed by a euphoric high. The low crush provided courtesy of Newsweek, who apparently hates me and wants to ruin my fun for the rest of my life.

They released a story about the 6 most fattening summer drinks. A few of my favorites were on the list, along with their caloric equivalents, and the article just about broke my heart. According to Newsweek:

  • Daiquiries pack 220 calories
  • Pina coladas come with 650 calories of pure, hip-widening fun
  • Margaritas will kill you with all 850 calories of their wrath

Are you ready to end it all yet? Oh man, when I read that I just about pitched a fit. What is summer without a cold, refreshing, tipsy-inducing margarita?! A more apt question, perhaps, is who can afford to imbibe such massive amounts of calories without turning into a whale?

I lamented my sad state of being to Wes, who immediately used his brain to conclude that the good folks at Newsweek are full of pure horse poop. He looked at our margarita mix and concluded that it contains just a mere 100 calories per 4 oz. He then looked up the caloric content of strong alcohols and found that 1 oz. of 80 proof rum, scotch, tequila, vodka, or whisky contains a paltry 65 calories.

By these figures, a typical margarita (3 oz. tequila, 3 oz. margarita mix) would yield a non-astonishing 270 calories.

This led us to question exactly what kinds of gargantuan margaritas the cracked-out folks over at Newsweek were throwing together when they conducted this “research.” Were they mixing their margaritas with animal fat? Were they rimming their glasses with gravy? Did they throw in a stick of butter for some laughs?

Hopefully, this blog post will have taught you two things:

  1. Beware of scientists, who may be closet abolitionists just aching to snatch your libations away from your shameful sinner’s lips
  2. Alcohol is hardly fattening at all, which means you are fully free and expected to enjoy your summer in style. A tu sante!

2 thoughts on “Closet Abolitionists

  1. If you drink enough of them, they have no calories. If you can manage to down enough, it all comes back up.

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