Omnipresent CRUMBS

Nope. Not me. Not anymore.

Nope. Not me. Not anymore.

I saw an ad on Hulu for the new Honda Odyssey the other day and it made me gasp. 

Oh, that? Up above, there? It’s just my answer to the question, What Was The Final Nail In The Coffin Of Your Coolness?

In my defense, the new Honda Odyssey comes equipped with a BUILT-IN VACUUM. Also, I first saw the ad while recuperating from surgery and it’s possible the painkillers I was on had something to do with how mind-blowing I thought that was. Still, it’s an amazing idea, no?

For the uninitiated, children are crumb machines. Absolute and thorough in their ability to reduce foodstuffs to their molecular levels, young children will cover everything you know and love in a fine patina of sticky, omnipresent crumbs.

Life with small children means crumbs are everywhere, even places you never knew they could be. I’m fastidious (as anyone who’s ever come over to my house can attest to) and so are my children for the most part, and yet I have crumbs in all the predictable places (kitchen floor, couch cushions, car seats) and now all the unpredictable places (the lint trap for the dryer? the bottom of the bathtub! the depths of my purse?!). These are places no child should be eating, and yet CRUMBS. Under and behind and inside everything I take for granted, CRUMBS. (Hat tip to Chuck Palahniuk).

Ergo, the idea of a minivan with built-in vacuum?! GENIUS. Especially for a certified neat freak like me, who sees crumbs on the floor and equates them with personal failure.

So yeah, maybe I’ve irrevocably lost my cool card. It’s alright. Maybe someday I’ll soothe the pain of how lame I am with the soothing sound of my very own Built. In. Vacuum.

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