Feral Children or Soap, But Not Both

Man, it was a funky weekend. It snowed or hailed the entire time and was unreasonably cold. I have come to the conclusion that either a) The Pacific Northwest is either immune to global warming or b) God is mad at us and as a punishment we’re being deprived of our summer this year.

Either way I think it’s ridiculous to be considering mittens or gloves in the middle of freaking April. I think scarves and balaclavas should have no place (other than the bottom of my drawer) when Summer is theoretically just around the corner.

Regardless of the weather, Wes and I had a pleasant weekend together. We went on an Open House adventure on Sunday that resulted in my near-fatal collapse into a pile of anxiety. You see, our house is poised to go on the market (our real estate geniuses are doing a final walk-through this week and if all goes well we will be listing our house this weekend) and as such have found ourselves with more than a passing interest in our local real estate.

Que lastima! We found two houses (of seven) that we liked a lot but both of them were prohibitively expensive. It’s such an ugly economic world out there that I’m approaching the idea of a gigantic mortgage with enormous trepidation. Wes and I are rather miserly, you see, and neither of us feels entirely comfortable shelling out buckets of money every month.

So, what to do? I’ve come up with some ideas and am interested to see what you all think (as you are all intelligent, educated, and surely well-countenanced individuals):

  • We could buy a haunted house. Surely there must be a local haunted house selling in an estate sale somewhere? Perhaps something in a swamp that was recently inhabited by a scary witch (ala Big Fish?) For sure there’s nothing in there that a little Swiffering and Lysol won’t help, right?
  • We could buy a house boat. Hey man, the water’s free, right? We could deck it out with strings of chili-pepper lights and raise tiny little sea-faring children who’d almost certainly be feral due to lack of proper socialization and access to potable water.
  • We could find an abandoned old house and move in with the stacks of old magazines that are sure to be there (ala Fight Club.) Now, I’m not saying we would start making soap or launching space monkeys, but there’s gotta be an old abandoned house somewhere in the suburbs, right?
  • We could sell all our possessions and live in a monastery. I think this might make our dream of having beautiful babies an impossibility, though, and for this reason this option might not pan out. Also, though I think I could rock a habit, I’m not sure I’d want to.
  • We could buy a cheap house in the area we currently live and either fix it up or just have the ugliest house in the family. We won’t win the prize for “Best House,” but you know what? That contest sucks. A bank account with a positive balance totally wins out over a nice house anyday.

Any thoughts on our real estate plans? What do you think we should do?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *