Great Teeming Hoards of Money

My boss came up to me today and said, “Right now, what would you do with $30,000?” I have to admit, my heart dropped down into my stomach for a second because I thought he was really offering me that much, but then I realized that was silly and said the first thing that came to mind: Student loans. I told him that if someone gave me $30K right now I would use all of it to knock out 75% of my student loan debt.

The other answers from around the office were much more interesting. Some people said they’d travel to Europe for a month, others said they’d buy something fun like a boat or a scooter, and someone said they’d probably get a boob job (Hey, to each their own. I did tell her that if she got a boob job I’d be obligated to call her “Sandbags,” though, which didn’t seem to bother her. In fact, she laughed uproariously. Ah, to work in such an office!)

I then jokingly asked my boss if he’d pay me $30K to make him cheesecake every week for a year. He said no, but then countered by saying he’d pay me $30K to make him dinner every night, do his laundry twice per week, and make him cheesecake.

I thought about it for a second and realized that he’d essentially be paying me to be his maid. And then the truly horrifying realization set in…That’s exactly what I do for Wes.

I cook him dinner every night, I do his laundry twice per week, and I bake a dessert from scratch every weekend. Good heavens, I’m nothing more than a maid with a wedding ring! Wow, he got a really good bargain if you think about it because not only do I do these things, I also bring home a paycheck every week. Such a deal!

Of course, the same can be said of Wes. By this same logic, he’s nothing more than a plumber/exterminator/manual laborer/handiman with a wedding ring. Gee kids, isn’t being an adult so glamorous?

That being said, I declined my boss’s offer (because really, I already have a husband!) and fought down the bitter disappointment of knowing that it’s extremely unlikely that anyone will ever spontaneously offer me a magic solution to my student loan debt and I’m just going to have to handle it the old-fashioned way: By eating Mac n’ Cheese every night and complaining like mad.

Assuming someone has a huge wad of cash just burning a hole in their pocket and wants to give it to you, what would you do with $30,000?

13 thoughts on “Great Teeming Hoards of Money

  1. Pay for just under 1/3 the estimated cost to finish and partially furnish our basement.

  2. -Matt, I reckon you could probably hire great teeming hoardes of indentured servants and maybe even rent a vintage tank or four with that kind of dough. It looks like your dream of invading Poland would actually have a shot at reality this time! Hey, you only said you wanted to invade it, you never said you expected to conquer it, did you?

    Mrs. Higrens, I had no idea finishing and furnishing a basement could cost so much! That would be a good use of $30K, though, as it would probably add oodles of value to your property. I like your blog, BTW. Good luck with everything!

  3. Seed money for a massive heist. The funding for all that equipment has to come from somewhere.

  4. -Dane, If you coughed up the seed money, what percentage of the spoils would you demand in return? Are you a split-it-evenly-among-the-criminals kind of guy or a my-money-buys-90%-suckas kind of guy?

  5. Depends how involved you are. Are you Nate in Heat? Or are you Reuben Tishkoff in Ocean’s 11?

  6. I just re-read the question. I would probably be more of a Reuben Tishkoff, meaning I’d be heavily involved in the execution. Therefore, I would demand a full share, plus my capital contribution paid back with interest. In addition, if the plan was mine I would take a slightly larger share.

  7. -Dane, ain’t nobody pulling one over on you, is there? I can definitely see you as a behind-the-scenes string-puller, though. I figured you for a Reuben, though likely with less atrocious sunglasses.

  8. Hmm, I wish I was offered $30,000 to do what I already do….I have to be a maid-wife, get my masters, go to work, and break a land speed record all at the same time, and it is costing me money. Is this fair? I think not. If I did have that much to spare though, I would put a down payment on a house. We are in desperate need of one of those.

  9. -Del, $30K would be an excellent down payment! I do believe, though, that if you broke a land speed record you would probably find it pretty easy to locate someone willing to pay you/sponsor you to do that. So, get moving! Ha! Oh, I do love my painfully awkward humor sometimes!

  10. Hmm, well I will next week…but it doesn’t pay anything, it’s just personal. So I get to say woohoo I have a record! Until a few years down the road someone beats it and then I will have to beat them…..

  11. -Del, breaking a land speed record is like eating ice cream in the sun. You’ll probably have to eat it faster than you would were you eating under normal circumstances, so your enjoyment may not be the perfect embodiment of enjoyment that you were hoping it could be, but it’s cold and nice and there may be other ice creams to eat in the future so it’s just best if you enjoy it as much as possible before it melts and oh no there’s a drip going down my wrist and hey, did I just lick my own wrist? Why does it taste like peanut butter?

    You know?

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