I’m Detecting A Hint of Looming Disaster

There are a few good reasons why I don’t blog prior to 8AM: for one, I am grumpy and prone to making much bigger deals out of things than are really called for. For two, it’s hard to drink coffee and type at the same time. When I have trouble just putting my pants on without falling over, I really don’t need the added challenge of trying not to stick the “a” key down permanently with my luscious vanilla caramel coffee creamer.

I bet you’re curious about why I’m up this early, are’t you? Yeah, me too.

I have to be at work at 8AM this morning so I woke up at 6AM in order to fit in a brisk walk prior to work. Then, everything went promptly sideways.

The alarm (which sounds not unlike a nuclear blast warning) went off, I opened my eyes, and wondered what in the name of sweet fruity jelly I was doing up at the crack of midnight. Seriously, it is pitch black outside!

In the Pacific Northwest, it gets dark early almost instantaneously. One day, you can be playing volleyball outside and it’s sunny until 9PM and everything’s fine! The next day, the sunrise isn’t until 8:30AM and the sun sets at 5PM. You kind of feel like you’re perpetually in a cave if you work full-time because you never legitimately see the sun.

As I was struggling to get out of bed, I heard the tell-tale beep that is our smoke detector’s swan song. I threw on my glasses (carefully. Very carefully. It’s hard to blog one-eyed) and went searching for the dying smoke detector.

I found it, replaced its battery, and immediately began cooking up all kinds of worst-case scenarios wherein the smoke detector failed and our newly turned-on-again furnace spent all night belching carbon monoxide into the house. With thoughts of carbon monoxide poisoning dancing around in my head (it’s scentless and tasteless, you know!) I started feeling woozy and weak.

Then I realized I was being an idiot. I put the newly revived smoke detector next to the vent and it didn’t go off. Crisis averted? Maybe not, because our smoke detector is old-school and doesn’t exactly smile at you when it’s functioning properly. I fear that more elaborate steps may need to be taken.

After I solved this dilemma, I looked again to the outside, where supposedly I was going to be walking in a matter of minutes, and I wondered for the second time that morning why my clock said it was now 6:15AM and yet our whole neighborhood was still at the bottom of an abyss?

Deciding it was considerably unsafe to be walking about in the pitch-black night (there are Bad People out there. Also, Sleepy Drivers) I stayed in with my coffee and now here we are. I already made it through a carbon-monoxide scare, the last thing I need is to dodge all the dozing commuters out there who can’t see me walking across the street in my black sweatpants and black cap.

In closing, I present to you a riddle: What do you call two young home-owners who, when they discovered that their smoke-detectors were low on batteries and wouldn’t stop making chirping swan-song sounds, reacted by dismantling all the smoke-detectors and putting them in a pitiful heap in the garage?

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