I’ve been thinking a lot about the Terminator movies lately. After seeing the new one on my birthday, I’ve been mulling and turning the story around in my head, reconciling my impression of the story from my youth with what I know now.
Inevitably, this leads me to wonder what I would do if I could send a T-1000 back to my youth. Not to destroy me, but to save me. From myself, from the mistakes I would have avoided had I been old (‘cuz I’m old now, and stuff) and wise (-ish).
Here are the things I would tell myself, which would of course vary depending on what year I sent the machine back to:
- 1989 – Take it easy on the little person they keep telling you is your brother. There will come a time when he will be the only one who laughs at every stupid joke that comes out of your mouth.
- 1996 – Brushing the dirt off the knees of your softball pants does not actually equal washing them. You’re not nearly as crafty and efficient as you think you are. Look into bleach, you’ll thank me later.
- 2000 – Yeah, it sucks you had to leave California and schlep it up to freezing cold Washington, but there are hot guys here so it’s OK. You will make friends, you will con a devastatingly handsome guy into marrying you, and you’ll be very happy here.
- 2000 – Don’t date that guy, he’s a total jerk.
- 2001 – You will severely regret that hair cut you’re about to get. Just because it was free doesn’t mean it’s any good.
- 2001 – Same thing with this guy, definite waste of time. Seriously, what are you thinking?
- 2002 – Learn how to sew already, for goodness’ sake! Being tall is no excuse for never wearing pants that are long enough.
- 2002 – Accept the date from the devastatingly handsome waiter, just know that he will kiss you and then not call you for a month, and that you will spend the first year of your relationship wondering if he really exists. He’s worth the trouble, though.
- 2003 – That belly button ring is not going to end well for you. Or your belly button.
- 2004 – Jagermeister does not love you back. When someone at a party offers you a Big Gulp cup filled with some kind of drink, don’t drink it.
- 2005 – When devastatingly handsome boyfriend asks you to marry him, accept even though it’s crazy and you’re only 20.
- 2007 – Run, screaming, away from that HR job. You can do better! You’ll save a fortune in therapy bills!
- 2008 – That puppy you just bought will break your heart, but you’ll love him anyway. Keep him away from small objects, even if you think there’s no possible way he’ll eat them.
- 2008 – Save money, a lot of it, because you and Wes will get laid off and you’ll look down at your brand new carpet and wish it were still money in your bank account.
As you can see, the grand majority of my regrets are from high school. Man, bad fashion and boyfriend choices all around there. I’m kind of curious, what would you do if you could send a T-1000 back to some point in your past? When would you send it and what would you program it to say to yourself?