The Onion Conspiracy

This is an onion.

This is an onion.

Yep.  That’s a big onion, isn’t it?  My goodness, that is practically the Godzilla of onions, right there.  What would you say if I were to ask you what kind of an onion this is?  Let’s expand the exercise even further: You’re the checker at my local grocery store.  You slide this bad-boy onto your scale-thing and pause, contemplating which PLU to enter for this vegetable.

What would you guess, if you were said checker making said judgment call?[poll id=”4″]

Well, if you answered any answer other than “Why wouldn’t I just ask?” you have the same method of problem solving as every. single. checker. at my local grocery store.  I kid you not, I really am writing a blog post about buying onions so just lay back and let the madness wash over you for a bit.

Seriously, though, the checkers at Safeway do this to me every time.  They slide my (inexpensive) yellow onions onto the scale, rap out the PLU code for the imported (twice as expensive) sweet onions and call it good.  Every single time.  They just assume I’m either too dumb or too inattentive to notice that I’m paying twice as much for my onions as I should be.

Little do they know, however, that I am now the Onion Police and will never again pay extra for my onions if I can help it.  Instead of spitting inanities at the inept checkers after I get home and notice the error, I politely notify them of my onions’ status before they slide them onto the scale thing.  Two times out of every three, they still enter the wrong code and I have to ask them to void the charge and try again.  I even give them the correct PLU code because I am helpful.

Do you know how I get rewarded for my niceness, though?  I almost always get ‘tude.  Snotty high schooler/community college student attitude.  They roll their eyes.  They blow out an exasperated breath.  They sometimes even stare at me for a second before arguing with me about what kind of onions I picked out.

It takes every single fiber of my being to restrain myself from informing them that their life would be a lot easier if they just did their job correctly the first time without harassing honest hard-working citizens for being diligent about their produce.  Heavens to Betsy, forgive me lest I interrupt your day by insisting that you not charge me twice as much for shoddy regular old yellow freaking onions.

Obviously I have lost touch with reality on this issue.  I would be lying if I said that this tirade doesn’t ricochet across my mind every single time I have to endure the ignominious trial of being the obvious source of some checker’s annoyed moment.  Seeing as how I’m a nice person, though, I never say it and instead seethe about it until such time as I get home and rant about it to Wes, who thinks it’s funny.

I can’t be the only person who’s ever been victimized by the oblivious over-zealous checkers at grocery stores.  Someone’s got to stand up for our rights to pay reasonable prices for the produce we actually select, right?  Someone has to be sympathetic to the fact that this is a fuji, not an organic gala apple.  Someone has to notice that this is parsley, not cilantro.  Someone should notice when you bring romaine, not green leaf lettuce, to the checkout.  I don’t know who that person is, but I’d like to shake his or her hand.

11 thoughts on “The Onion Conspiracy

  1. Fun post, great pic, and I LOVE the new look of your blog! Now that you have the ingredients on hand, BTW, you’re going to have to try onion pudding (sounds gross, tastes great).


    This is because the checkers at my Safeway make horrible small talk and I hate participating, so I fiddle with my wallet or my keys or a magazine and try not to make eye contact.

    That’s it; I’m going to have to start shopping online.

  3. -Debra, Thanks so much for the compliments! Wes worked like crazy last weekend to perfect the new design and I’m tickled about it. Onion pudding, huh? It sounds like a dip, maybe for chips. I sure could go for some chips right now!

    -Emily, I’m pretty sure Horrible Small Talk is a prerequisite course to move up from bagging to checking. Is it just me, or do they have a standard aresenal of topics to bring up? It’s always the weather, or a busy day, or upcoming holidays. The question is, what’s better? Inane small talk or painful silence?

  4. For some reason I always get the cashier who MUST comment on different items everyone is purchasing…thus the excruciating knowledge that I’m spending as much time in the check out line as I spent wandering around the store filling my basket.

    I buy white onions, so I miss out on this issue, but you should be there when I dare put a green pepper and cucumber in the same bag. Apparently the concept that they are priced individually and not per pound doesn’t translate into checkerese.

    I’m guessing the reason this is an issue is because anyone who is smart enough to do the job properly doesn’t want to do it!

  5. This is why I never buy anything that doesn’t come in a box with a barcode and plenty of preservatives. Good health and a lack of dangerous chemicals just aren’t worth the aggravation.

    I don’t like onions anyway…

  6. -Mrs. Higrens, I agree, after spending ten minutes in line, perusing M&M’s and tabloids, it’s nice to have an efficient checker and just get the heck out of there. I’ve done that with the whole mixing-veggies-in-a-bag and they really don’t like it! They look at your suspiciously, like you’re trying to steal veggies or something.

    -DC, Better living through chemistry all the way. You’ll outlive us all with your boxed food and your preservatives. When the end of the world comes, it’ll be just you and Cher.

  7. Hi,
    I found you in Amalah’s comments. (Great comment about your niece laughing while eating) I totally agree with you. I hate it when they charge me for Honey-crisp apples and I have the cheap gala apples. I don’t get ‘tude though. They are always apologetic when they look at the screen and see $10.15 for 3 apples.

  8. -Erika, I think we can both agree that spelling Erika with a K is CLEARLY the only correct way to spell it :) Thanks for coming to visit! I’m glad they don’t give you attitude when they mess up, because no one should ever be judged for not spending $10 on 3 measly apples.

  9. This is why I don’t wait in line for some not college educated moron to touch my stuff… I love SoCal, we hate people so much we have our own, individual self check out lines.

  10. -Matt, I love those self checkout lines, they have a few of them in selected stores but not in my local Safeway. Your comment cracked me up, with the people-hating and such. It would make life easier if all you ever had was small grocery lists, but it would take forever to scan and bag a huge order!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *