Paranoia Perfected

I just fell asleep in my office chair for about 30 minutes when I was supposed to be working. Wes came upstairs for some water and woke me up to make sure I was fine and man, was I confused! As chagrined as I am that I fell asleep on the job, I’m feeling good after the nap and now I’m ready to go.

We had a very busy and very good weekend. We ate way too much (I tried frog legs for the first time. They taste like chicken thighs that have been marinated in vinegar. You’re not missing much,) slept way too little (we stayed up until 1AM this morning discussing religion with a friend,) and saw The Dark Knight again, which is just as much fun the second time around.

The reason we were so out and about is that one of Wes’ friends is in town this weekend and we wanted to make sure we took advantage of his newfound geographical accessibility. As a result, we spent a lot of time in bars with other guys Wes has been friends with for years.

On Friday night (at around midnight) we started talking about guns and Kevlar and all sorts of incendiary nouns. I was curious about Kevlar and so we delved into the topic and let me tell you, Kevlar is a lie!

So, I’m certain you’re familiar with Kevlar. It’s touted as a super-reliable bullet-proof material that will save your life in a gun-fight. Members of the police force wear Kevlar vests to protect their squishy organs from the violent caress of bullets, and cars are sometimes reinforced with Kevlar to make them safer.

Well, it may be tough (Did you know it’s actually a weave? Like fabric?) but it’s not quite what it seems. You see, it’s bullet-proof as long as the person shooting you is using a toy pistol and is standing on a balcony 2,000 feet away and is hoping the bullet will ricochet off a rubber tire before it gets to you. I may be exaggerating a tiny bit, but the point I’m making is that Kevlar is not all bullet proof.

It’s bullet proof for certain guns, but by no means all. So, if you’re wearing it you’re basically just hoping that the maniac who wants to shoot you either couldn’t afford a better gun or is afraid of the kick-back from a larger caliber.

Also, the term knife-resistant is a heaping pile of misinformation. So, knife-resistant sounds like it means it will stop a knife but what it really means is that a knife will probably only go half as deep into your soft squishy parts. If someone impales you with a 6 inch knife, you better believe you’ll be cursing the 3 inches that busted through. Knife-resistant my foot!

I also learned about the venerable 50 caliber bullet. Apparently it’s kind of a big deal. I guess if someone shoots one of these bad boys at you and it misses you by a foot, your insides will still get all scrambled from the sheer force of its personal portable shock wave.

The reason I wanted to know all this is that, when we have beautiful babies I need to make sure they’re protected. After learning about the fallibility of Kevlar and knife-resistant materials, though, I’m cancelling my order for the Kevlar footie pajamas and knife-resistant snow-hat-and-mittens combo. Also, now that I know about the nigh unstoppable force of a 50 caliber bullet, I’m convinced there’s only one course of action left for us to take: We’re going to have to move to our own planet.

3 thoughts on “Paranoia Perfected

  1. A military bunker also serves as a fine place to rear children. I doubt a 50 caliber bullet would be so foolish as to attempt to burrow amile underground. It’s a bullet, not a gopher!

  2. I think it can be summed up as such: your standard Kevlar vest is fine for everyday wear and those unexpected situations you might run into where someone might take a shot at you with a handgun. If you’re not a cop, soldier, or Michael-Mann style high-speed low-drag criminal/smuggler/outlaw and UNEXPECTEDLY find yourself in a situation where people are firing assault rifles, machine guns, or sniper rifles at you, or are lobbing grenades in your general direction, I would posit you have bigger problems than the immediate threat of those weapons and you may need to rethink why you’re in that situation in the first place. If you know you’re going to be in that situation, either bring better armor and a bigger gun, or maybe take in a movie instead.

  3. -Hamburglar, It’s true, while a 50 caliber bullet is not a gopher, I worry about the effects of severe vitamin D and healthy outdoor exercise deprivation on youngins. Also, if everyone startss living in bunkers, someone might develop a 50 caliber gopher and then we’ll really be in trouble!

    -Dane, Wait, do you mean to tell me that every time you go to the store to get groceries you’re NOT packing?! Incroyable! I see your point, and I’m certain you’re cursing my silliness after you spent two hours explaining all this to me, but you have to see it from my point of view. My whole life I’ve watched movies where Kevlar is synonymous with bullet-proof. I just never imagined there would be limits to it, more’s the pity I suppose. Oh well, if I never learned anything that surprised me I suppose there wouldn’t be much of a point to anything, would there?

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