Perfectly Talented Fools

I think the best doses of nonsense are couched between snippets of truth that almost bedazzle you into thinking they’re not nonsense. At first blush it appears to be truth, but when you carefully pick apart the bones of the premise you realize it’s complete and utter hogwash.

For example, I was driving to work this morning when I saw a bumper sticker that read, “Guns don’t kill people. People with cell phones do.” At first, I shrugged my shoulders and conceded the point that people tend to drive worse when they’re talking on cell phones at the same time.

As I was stuck behind this person for about 20 minutes, I mulled over the saying on the sticker a bit more. As I mulled, the grim realization that this sticker made no sense slowly slapped me silly (before we go any further imagine, will you, someone slowly getting slapped silly. It’s delicious in its frivolity, isn’t it? Ok now, onwards!)

First of all, yes, guns do kill people. I know that people pull the triggers most of the time, but I think you can safely argue that it was not the killer’s ill intent that put an end to the victim’s life, it was the bullet that was shot from the gun. You can’t kill someone with bad intentions. Trust me, many have tried.

Second, there are countless murders every year and I’m far from convinced that every murderer owns a cell phone. Likewise, I disagree that every cell phone owner is a ticking time bomb. Sure, talking on your phone while driving is dangerous but that’s hardly what the bumper sticker said, is it?

So, the only thing that can be concluded is that not only is the driver of that car confused about the mechanics of firearms, he’s a poor scientist in that he’s correlating the heck out of what appears, to me, to be a happy coincidence (that cell phones are now so ubiquitous that there’s a decent chance that most, if not all, murderers own at least one).

It could just be my personal opinion, but it seems to me that people who don’t understand how guns work and think people who own cell phones are evil incarnate have bigger problems than the nonsensicality of the stickers they adhere crookedly to the bumpers of their cars.

For now, I’ll give him a pass. If the next time I see him he’s got a new bumper sticker explaining how water bottles are going to end humanity as we know it, the gloves are coming off. I can handle a lot of silliness but that would be taking it too far. Much too far.

And now, my new favorite quote: “Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.” Does it remind you of Doc and his rock-fetish just a little?

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