The Queen of Party Fouls

Way back in May, when I decided on June 20 as the release date for PWNED, I thought June seemed really, very, quite far away indeed. Then June 1 rolled around and I thought June 20 still seemed really far away.

And now it’s June 13, and the release date of my first book is a week away, and I’m so excited that I’m vibrating like a toy poodle and it has nothing to do with how much coffee I’ve drunk this morning. I emailed the final version of the book to my publisher this morning, and in one week it’ll be sitting out on virtual bookshelves.

I’ll be a published author.

I feel like Neo from The Matrix. Whoa.

So what does a nearly-published author do the weekend before her book is released? Clean a whole heckuva lot of red wine off her white carpet. That’s what.

Wes’s parents came over for dinner on Saturday and I made the mistake of sitting on the floor with a glass of red wine while we were chatting. Aidan, the little monkey he is, came right up to me and, in that freakishly fast way only toddlers seem capable of, batted the glass of wine right out of my hand.

I swear I saw my life flash before my eyes as those red droplets of carpet mayhem went sailing down to the floor. I watched my abnormally large safety deposit never come back to me. I watched my landlord burst into flames of rage. But mostly I just saw Aidan, smiling at the delightful pattern he made on the floor.

Lucky for me, my mother-in-law and I are carpet-stain-removing ninjas. You can’t even tell that a bottle of wine has ever even graced our house, that’s how nice the carpet looks now. But it was a long, laborious road to get there.

We had to deforest an entire acre of pristine jungle in order to create the quantities of paper towels required to clean up a mess of that magnitude. We had to use enough carpet cleaner to remove a¬†dalmatian’s¬†spots, and then keep the baby from rolling around in all that chemical-y goodness.

Needless to say, when you come over to our house, we know how to show you a good time. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to clean our carpets. If you’re really lucky, we might just let you change a diaper.

So that was my glamorous weekend. Oh sure, there were steaks and burgers, I found out I lost a pound last week (huzzah!) and I baked a coffee cake so good it literally knocked Aidan’s socks off. But what sticks out is the wine.

Because if you’re going to perpetrate a party foul? Go big or go home. Don’t just interrupt the party. Put your guests to work and then send them home!

Speaking of which, does anyone want to come over for dinner? There’s some silverware that needs polishing…

5 thoughts on “The Queen of Party Fouls

  1. I’ll sort out your cupboards for you – I love the satisfaction of tossing expired canned goods and spices.

    (but I guess that’s not the kind of cleanup you were going for?)

  2. Muah ha ha…I loved this post, and totally know what you are talking about. I wish you had a Dojo…I would totally come learn Ninja carpet cleaning moves from you.

  3. -Blanche, Ha! You won’t find any expired food anywhere in my kitchen. I’m militant about that kind of stuff. But you’re welcome to come over anyway ;)

    -Ronda Honda, Glad you enjoyed it! That would be an interesting dojo, wouldn’t it? We’d have to offer tea and cookies after every lesson, I think.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *