Requiem for a Feast

I almost mugged a kid for his Auntie Anne’s pretzel yesterday. I took Aidan to the mall so he could run around the kids’ play area, and while we were perambulating around some impudent teenage boy was foolish enough to walk past me eating a soft, chewy, sweet, cinnamon-sugar pretzel.

As the predatory waves infiltrated my brain through my nostrils, I felt a Hulk-like anger and rage flow through me. Were it not for the stroller weighing me down, I might very well have vaulted over the planter and taken him, and his pretzel, down.

Oh, I am sick of dieting. Heartily sick to my core of healthy food and reasonable portions. Reasonable is code for “rarely full.”

Yeah, there will be no more breakfasts like this for me.

I miss the days when I would sit down on a Friday night with half a pizza, a martini, and chocolate chip cookies for dessert. I remember with GREAT fondness the last 25 years of my life wherein I was blissfully unaware of how many calories I consumed each day. Yeah, my body wasn’t skinny but I didn’t really care because I had cupcakes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m skinnier now and my pants fit much better. But do better-fitting pants buy happiness the same way a stack of French toast and a piping hot mocha do? Absolutely not. I won’t get belly-patting contentment and bliss from eating my smaller pants.

I blame my knee for this outburst. My left knee, the resident slacker knee, is injured. Again. I injured it during middle school and it’s never been able to get over it. I suppose middle school really does irrevocably damage you, one way or another.

This is my life now.

In trying to overcome the weight loss plateau, I decided to increase the intensity of my workouts by incorporating some brief sprints while jogging on the treadmill. My left knee said thanks, but no thanks, and now I’ve got a sore left knee and I’m still not losing weight and all I want is to stuff my face without consequences and GRRRRRR!

So you see? Losing weight isn’t all sunshine and kittens. Not around here. Around here, you get a fair representation of the intricate psychological workings of a former glutton mourning her loss of gastronomical freedom.

Really, I’m sure Darren Aronofsky could do a riveting documentary of my mind’s inner workings and need very few special effects to make it absolutely terrifying.

6 thoughts on “Requiem for a Feast

  1. I recommend, for anyone with knee injuries, not to increase rapidly the intensity of any shock-load-bearing activity. Instead, why not try doing the Tabata protocol (google is your friend ) on the bike? Or work intervals at a higher level on the elliptical, where the shock isn’t impacted by your knees.

    If you have a knee injury, or sensitivity, you really should make sure your running form is top notch and your shoes are the right kind. I recommend Foot Zone in Gilman down in Issaquah, or Jock and Jill’s in Greenlake. They will watch you run and make sure your shoes help your form. I’m actually surprised your trainers have you on the treadmill if your knee is seriously prone to pain. Also, get the book ChiRunning, if you want to run free of injury.

    I’m a dancer with seriously damaged knees, and I run. It can be done, but you need equipment and training on your side. Your shoes must be new, and the must be correct.

    Also, I think you need to switch to a calorie counting plan like Weight Watchers, where you get a certain amount of points or calories a day, and then a certain amount to spend per week, on things like treats or larger meals. I never feel deprived, and I almost always feel full. Strict calorie counting made me angry, and hungry, and I felt deprived constantly, which is sure set up for failure.

    If you want to make your weight loss a lifestyle, it must be sustainable. Misery is not sustainable. The harder you work, the easier it gets, I promise!

    I want to encourage you: this is not about getting skinny. This is about having a healthy relationship with food, and exercise. This is about being in good shape for your son, and not being that mom who cant’ run and play at the play ground because she has given in to what’s easy, not what’s good for her. You can do this. You are doing this!

    I am proud, and I’m here for you always. Much love my friend.

  2. -Jennifer, Thanks so much for the comment and advice, I appreciate you so much! I’m not sure counting calories is the issue, as I can save up my calories for a treat if I want. I really do think there’s a psychological element to dieting that often gets overlooked, and I’m mourning my old lifestyle. It was a TON of fun to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and I’m grieving it. Especially now that I’ve been dieting for awhile and the novelty is gone.

    I’m encouraged by your knees. If you have bad dancer’s knees and can run, there must be hope for me. I would desperately love to run, as I enjoy it a great deal and dislike biking and ellipticals quite a bit. Lemme see if I can butter up my husband to let me get a pair of running shoes…

  3. I totally agree about mourning your former lifestyle. I went through much the same thing, especially when I didn’t feel like I was making the progress I wanted to.

    If you have not recently been fitted for running shoes, and you have bad knees, do not run. Jog, maybe. Do the elliptical, or the bike. Bad shoes can make it even harder on your knees. You have to have good shoes. New shoes are way cheaper than an orthopedic surgeon. trust me. :-) Foot zone in the ‘quah is great.

  4. THANK YOU for posting this… I wrote something similar today. And I’m not as far into it as you are, but DAMN. That pretzel sounds amazing.

    The cravings are what kills me- the “oh man, I could really go a frosty/pretzel/cupcake right now” moments when you force yourself to be happy with a lousy piece of fruit. I love fruit! It’s fabulous! But there is SO MUCH MORE out there that is more fabulous. I need a mental makeover, clearly.

  5. -Txtingmrdarcy, Oh man, just wait until you get pregnant. Then you get Cravings with a capital C. You’re doing so well on your diet, though, and you’re gonna look scrumptious for your wedding! Hang in there!

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