Slash Metal Bears

Before I leave for California I’ll spin you a quick yarn about bad music. Reeeeally bad music…

My new job is working for a company that produces customized water, beer, and wine bottle labels. We have a warehouse attached to the office and the area that I’m currently working in is right next to it. As such, I am privy to some of the most outlandishly bad music that I have ever been exposed to in my life.

Yesterday, I was able to make out the lyrics, “I’m such a handsome brotherrrrrrr so I use a f***in’ rubberrrrrrrr”. Today, they were all about the faux-rage-filled rap/rock from the late 1990’s and early 2000’s. I heard a Puddle of Mudd (I just realized that by making a single error in entering that band name you can turn them into Puffle of Mudd, which sounds much better I think) song I haven’t heard in years with lyrics like “I love the way you scratch my ass” which makes me wonder why I was listening to it even back when it was marginally acceptable.

It also makes me wonder if all warehouses are filled with such angry-music loving people. Did my shirt get packaged by a guy bouncing his head along to the vitriolic sounds of Slayer? Has my Old Navy shirt just gone slash-metal? It’s great to think of all those stuffed bears you see at Hallmark stores getting packaged into boxes by guys listening to bands like Kottonmouth Kings and Insane Clown Posse.

Do you think it was the bears that pushed them to that place? Do you think before they started working there they listened to Celine Dion? That would be a great transition. To watch as these guys come home night after night, exhausted and fighting the growing feeling that something’s just not right. They pick up her CD one night and scream “Your heart will go on INDEED, Celine, but without me!”.

Huh, even with two jobs I’ve still got too much time on my hands…

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