Space Monkey

I received a shocking text message from my husband yesterday.  Brace yourself against the closest, brawniest person around, hold onto something solid, cross your t’s and dot your i’s because this is big.  Shriek “What?!” out loud big.  Nearly drive home in the middle of the day big.  Are you ready?

He cut his own hair.

He grabbed the scissors I keep in the kitchen, stood in our bathroom, and trimmed hairs from his head without the help/guidance/wisdom of a trained and licensed professional.  According to him, he did a pretty decent job on the front and top but lacked the proper equipment to do justice to the back and sides.  I don’t know because I wasn’t there and he didn’t send me a picture.

One quick trip to Super Cuts and a very caps-locky conversation with his wife later, his hair is trimmed and neat for the first time since January.  Our trash cans are overflowing with hair, my scissors may never cut right again, but his hair will not bother him again for at least a couple months.

Why did he do it?  A number of reasons.  One, we’re broke and hair cuts cost money and he’s loathe to spend money on something he could do himself for free.  Two, his hair was getting pretty long and it bothered him to no end.  Three, who hasn’t wondered whether they could just take care of their own hair?

Honestly, I want to know.  Hairdressers make it look so easy, what with the clipping and layering and even-length-checking.  There have been a couple times where I’ve looked at my sheet of long, unruly hair and thought, It can’t be that hard, can it?

What differentiates me from my husband, though, is that I stop there and realize the stakes.  The stakes!  A person’s hair is a big deal.  If a person gets a bad haircut, there’s not a person around who doesn’t notice.  Babies burst into panicked sobs when they see bad haircuts, old women clutch their pearls in horror, cross-dressing men shriek and avert their eyes.  Bad haircuts hurt everyone.  They’re the mistake you wake up to every day for a looooooong time.

It’s a good thing Wes is fearless.  A true space monkey, shot up into space to pave the way for us all.  If the economy gets worse we may all be cutting our own hair soon, then weaving the clippings into tunics and baskets.  Wes is either a hero or a lunatic and, as is so often proven by history, the line between the two distinctions is fuzzy like a newborn bunny.  Please help me decide.

Is Wes a hero or a lunatic?

  • I'm not sure, but I am curious about those tunics. (21%, 3 Votes)
  • Lunatic. Cutting your own hair is folly, an undertaking best left for bald people or those in third-world countries. This is why civilization created salons, dude. (36%, 5 Votes)
  • Hero! It takes major guts to look that mirror-you in the eye and say, "Let's do this." Kudos, Wes. I support you, you rad follicular pioneer! (43%, 6 Votes)

Total Voters: 14

Loading ... Loading ...

7 thoughts on “Space Monkey

  1. I vote hero… But I do wonder what the urgency was that he couldn’t wait for someone (you) to get home to lend a hand…

    Also… Bad haircuts, of which I’ve had a few, are what made me jealous of all my contemporaries who wore, an looked good in, hats.

  2. Bad haircut = a big heaping pile of regret.

    I came thisclose to giving my husband a haircut before I backed off and told him to find a professional. There was no way in hell I was going to be responsible for his bad hair.

  3. -DC, I’m glad you voted hero. I can completely understand the urgency of a crazy, extreme idea. When one of these ideas seizes your brain, a strange thing happens wherein you must see the idea to its mysterious conclusion before someone can talk you out of it. Do you not look good in hats? I could swear I’ve seen you wear a hat before and look decent in it. Then again, you can’t exactly wear a hat into the courtroom so I suppose it’s rather useless to you.

    -Blanche, I agree. Much like with my bangs, it seems like such a good idea until you wake up the next day and wonder what the frick you were thinking. Wes wants me to try helping him next time. I’ve made my limitations clear (lack of training/inexplicable lack of ability to do things symmetrically) but he seems to think I can handle it. We’ll just have to see what happens when the next hair cut rolls around…

  4. -DC, I don’t know if I could handle Wes with a shaved head. His hair is now the shortest it’s ever been since I’ve known him and it’s still throwing me for a loop!

  5. “Or”? He is hero and lunatic, boldly going where few possessed of all of their faculties would dare; he shall be spoken of in the same disbelieving and reverent tones as Columbus, Lindbergh, Chuck Yeager, and Neil Armstrong.

  6. -Jason, I do believe your comment will give him cause to clasp his hair-cutting hands together and squee for joy, certainly I am pleased as punch with your observation. I think he’s always lived his life hoping for Hunter S. Thompson-style reverence, but I think he wouldn’t be too disappointed to be thought as crazy as these other fine gentlemen.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *