Surrender Is Maybe Not So Futile

So recovery from major abdominal surgery is fun. I kid, of course. It’s a tortuous (not torturous, mind you. Tortuous.) process, full of cringey faces and tiny little baby steps toward back-on-your-feetness, but I can confidently say that at 11 days post-op I’m feeling pretty darn good.

I’m thinking I might even be able to tie my own shoes in a few weeks! I kid, of course. Tying shoes is for quitters, sandals all the way! Even when it’s raining!

From my recovery haze of nursing the baby, resting, and napping, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on the events of the last few weeks. Everything, from the surprise discovery of Lily’s breech presentation at the 38 week ultrasound all the way up to the moment I walked into the operating room, has been rattling around inside my head.

I’m not gonna lie, the whole 180 degree change from an unmedicated birth center birth to a planned c-section was a head trip. I mean, you just can’t get more opposite than that. I definitely went through a period of mourning the birth I wouldn’t be able to give Lily, and then I stopped looking back and just relaxed into it.

I surrendered all control over the process, in so doing enabling me to see the beauty in Lily’s birth. Even though the majority of the work I did to bring her into the world was to lay there and breathe, it was a truly beautiful birth.

There was so much love in that operating room, and I’ll never, ever forget the feeling of holding her on my chest and feeling her sweet little breath on my cheek while she cried for the first time. It was a completely different birth experience than my son’s, but it was in some ways better.

There was no screaming or swearing, there were only smiles and tears and a full head of luscious baby hair. It wasn’t the birth we’d planned, but it was Lily’s story all along, we just didn’t know it at the time.

And now, 11 days later, I’m feeling upbeat and positive and I have two amazingly beautiful children and a husband who’s been through the wars with me and we’re this blissed-out family and I don’t really care that Lily’s birth happened in a hospital courtesy of a scalpel. Because she’s here and she’s exactly what was missing from our little family.

I’ll just take my battle wounds and move on, because in the immortal words of Tyler Durden, “I don’t want to die without any scars.”

See? Fight Club dialogue is the gift that just keeps on giving.

2 thoughts on “Surrender Is Maybe Not So Futile

  1. “it was Lily’s story all along, we just didn’t know it at the time.”

    What a fantastic perspective – the birth is the start to Lily’s story but only a portion of yours – that it’s her story to live, and we all know that parents who try to live their children’s lives do them a great disservice, right?

    Good luck with your continued healing & absolutely enjoy that sweet new addition to your family!

  2. -Blanche, It’s true! Babies have their own plans and we hapless parents have the perplexing job of figuring out just what exactly those plans might be.

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