The Crusty Menace

Detectives often remark about how the most insidious culprits are the ones who lurk right in front of you (I know this because I read a lot of mystery novels. It’s one of the greatest joys in my life to reach the suspenseful conclusion ahead of the protagonist. If I can solve a mystery before the main character does, I will usually celebrate by telling them how mediocre they are. Out loud. Obviously, I’m not the most graceful of winners, nor losers for that matter.) I, being somewhat of a detective of the nonsensical, am always on the alert for silliness. There are times, however, that I’m truly amazed by how dense I can be.

Sometimes the writing’s truly on the wall and I just don’t see it because I’m either colorblind (like when I think it’s perfectly understandable to eat crackers for dinner because I don’t want to do dishes) or because I’m just missing the point (like the fact that the show Sex and the City makes absolutely no sense if you’ve ever been in a relationship that’s lasted longer than four weeks. How did it take me this long to realize this? {What is up with the rampant parentheses in this post?!})

I’m afraid in this case, it’s an incidence of the latter. I’ve just missed the point, and that point is croutons.

I always knew something ticked me off about salads but I could never quite put my finger on it. The reason why? It was baked and covered in dressing!

Let’s discuss croutons for a moment. First of all, they’re clearly the best part about eating a salad (unless the salad has olives in it. I do love me some olives.) So, while I love croutons (and have been known to eat them like snack food in my time) they are a huge menace and I’ll tell you exactly why.

They’re impossible, improbable, and invariably frustrating. How much sense does it make to serve a salad with accessories you can’t even eat with the salad? Have you ever tried to eat a salad bite with a crouton added in for good measure? It’s impossible! You can’t spear them with your fork, because they crumble to bits, and you can’t scoop them onto your leaf-loaded fork because they will inevitably just slide right off en route to your mouth.

Ideally, you’d eat croutons with a spoon, but then you’d need two utensils to eat a salad, a fork for your leaves and a spoon for your croutons, but then that really just defeats the whole purpose of including those croutons in your salad in the first place, doesn’t it?

Croutons. The hidden menace (by the way, did you know that crouton is French for crust?) Hiding in plain sight all these years, those sneaky SOB’s have despoiled countless meals for dieters and half-hungry people and I, for one, am tired of it. To the stocks with them, I say, or at the very least to a restaurant where it won’t be considered rude when I use my fingers to pop those delicious bready morsels into my mouth following a leafy bite.

2 thoughts on “The Crusty Menace

  1. I agree about the croutons, they are quite evil. And I also agree about the Rock Band. We should have a get-together sometime.

  2. -Delisa, it’s encouraging for me to know that I’m not alone in fighting this unjustice!

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