The Evil Best Left Undone

Socks and sandals go together about as well as toddlers and gigantic, open pits that are filled with honey and endorsed by taut-bellied and maddeningly relatable teen stars. This has been my take on the matter ever since I saw my mom wear socks with her Teva’s and will likely be my final word on the matter when I am on my deathbed and my daughter asks me, “Mom, before you die, answer me this one question: How do you feel about wearing socks with sandals?”

So, just to be clear, in my book, which looks suspiciously like an encyclopaedia because I know a lot of (useless) things, in the entry on socks and sandals there is but a final word: NO!

In fact, Wes and I almost got into a screaming fight about it when we left for Mexico in December. He was putting his socks on before our flight and before the words of abject objection could bubble past my lips he was slapping those sandals on like peanut butter on a banana sandwich. Horrors!

Despite my pitiful words to the contrary, he decided that socks and sandals would not reflect poorly on his wife and wore them to the airport anyway. People actually pointed to him and laughed in the Mexico airport. I tried to explain to him that, when women see a poorly-dressed man, they usually just assume it’s because his wife doesn’t know how to dress him. I pleaded with him to reconsider, but my husband he is a stubborn one and socks and sandals it was.

So, imagine my delight when he sends me a video that perfectly embodies the unnatural pairing that is socks and sandals. You can check it out here if you like.

The moral of this story is that socks and sandals are wrong under every circumstance. The next time you feel tempted to force your sandals over your socks, imagine that your sandal is an anchovy and your sock is my face (my screaming in horror, cringing in disgust, red from exertion pleading for mercy face). These things may be fine individually (depending on your perspective) but together they just go horribly, irreparably wrong. And make me scream.

13 thoughts on “The Evil Best Left Undone

  1. -Wes, as long as you’re content to follow in the steps of a barely adolescent girl in a Barbie-hair wig then so be it. However, if you are intent on using Hannah Montana as your style icon, I insist that you whole-hog and start dressing in clothes from the Gap and stop borrowing my pleather skirts from Hot Topic. You’re not fooling anybody.

  2. -Wes…This? THIS is what we’ve resorted to as man and wife? I don’t even LIKE blondes!!! If you’re gonna go tranny on me, at least pick a flavor I like!

  3. Wes… you’re quite a bit more shapely than I remember… in a post-adolescent teenage girl kind of way… (fantastic, FBI’s cybercrime division will be coming after me now… could I have hit any more keywords in a single ellipse-ridden sentence?)

    Anyway. While I will be the first to admit that sandals and socks are an AESTHETICALLY disturbing combination, it is one which if the critic had ever worn Birkenstocks with thick wool socks on an almost-Winter day, would not be so quick to condemn.

    These days I never wear Birkenstocks or wool socks, and certainly not together. And when I did it was very few times. But my feet still remember how awesome that was.

  4. By the way, I just spent far too many minutes trying to figure out how to make hyperlinks in the comments and eventually gave up. Did they give you guys a secret instruction manual or something?

  5. Heheh. I had to break this rule once. I was mountain-climbing (lightly) and my sockless-feet-in-sandals could have caused chafing and/or death.

    Sometimes socks&sandals can save a life…think about it.

  6. -Dane, I trust that the FBI officers who intend to bust you for being a perv will take the time to read your comment in context. If not, let me know and I’ll show them the light. In regards to the topic at hand…Which is not that my husband is a tranny though perhaps it should be…Don’t tempt me with your evil fashion fallacies! Comfortable they may be, sir, but so are a lot of things that oughtn’t see the light of day. Parachute pants, for example. Comfort is not enough of a reason for wearing something or else no one would ever wear a bra, or tie, or dress shoes and THEN where would we be? At the opera with a bunch of laundry-day refugees, THAT’S where!

    -Milena, I totally don’t fault you for doing what you had to do to survive. I mean, the last thing you need when braving the elements on the side of a mountain is problems with your feet so congrats for figuring your way around that. Survival is rarely pretty nor fashionable so I completely understand. If you’re pairing socks and sandals in non-survival circumstances, though, never-ending shame, she shall be yours.

  7. -Matt, Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh do I LOATHE crocs. I despise the garish bright colors (could they have picked a worse shade of orange?!) I hate that they look like clown shoes, I hate that people always say “They’re so comfy!” because that is NO excuse. I just hate that they make everyone who wears them look like a dock worker, because in my mind they’re nothing more than glammed-up goloshes. Unless you’re pregnant or have a crippling foot injury and need those little bumps to survive, there is no excuse for crocs. You know what? Tennis shoes are comfortable too and they don’t make anyone look like a clown. No, no, I shall never get behind or into crocs and I fully endorse your girlfriend if she feels the same way.

  8. Awesome, dude, thanks! Hopefully I did it right and everything is showing up as a hyperlink. Anyway, while I can see a situation in which this is a valid survival tactic, the same cannot be said about these hideous things… except for maybe these, which are clearly amazing. Regardless, I now feel freed from the constraints of un-linking text. Word…

  9. -Dane, Oh my gosh, you’re officially a hyperlinking menace! The first link there made me laugh hysterically and is now serving as the proud desktop background on my computer. Those croc boots remind me of the footwear that the dinosaur-type guards had to wear in the Mario Bros. movie. Remember when they were all in the elevator dancing? Yeah, those shoes are like that. I like the picture of you from the Middlesex Bar shindig, you look quite lawyerly!

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