The Flashing Blue Light of Clarity

Do you ever just walk around, pass a person you think is crazy, and then realize that this person is just more high-tech than you are and think that maybe it’s time to stop judging people but then you realize you can’t because pseudo-crazy-lady looks like she hasn’t brushed her hair in about a decade? As you can probably deduce, this happened to me about four hours ago.

I was walking through the lobby of my building and walking toward me was a woman wearing a rain slicker and sporting the largest mass of tangles I have ever seen. Her hair was not good. Naturally frizzy hair + rain + comb phobia = perma-crazy look. To top it off she appeared to be talking. To someone. Someone unseen. An invisible friend. That’s right, she was talking about ice cream with someone who wasn’t there.

I must have turned my head to look at her three times. I was just incredulous. How does a hallucinating schizophrenic wind up in my lobby? Wonders never cease. Anyway, as I’m trying to avoid eye contact and sudden movements we pass and I catch a glimpse of a blue light flashing from within her nest of hair-tangles. Suddenly it all falls into place: she’s wearing a wireless Bluetooth headset! And she looks insane doing it because no one can see the headset! Thank you, crazy-tangles.

Who knows how often people nowadays gets mistaken for loony tunes just because their headsets are hidden? I know that bald guys can get away with it but I feel strongly that people with dark hair, long hair, frizzy hair, or bad lighting should avoid using these headsets in public lest they be involuntarily committed or assaulted.

Just think, you’re on the phone talking to your husband/wife/friend/suicide hotline operator about that person at work who is just so awful that they make you want to go crazy. Some poor person who’s in the elevator with you and happens to join into the conversation without any context and can’t see your headset will probably hear something like this: “Seriously, I’m going crazy. I don’t know how much longer I can take it. What should I do? No, I can’t do that, that’s probably illegal. Do it anyway? HeeHee, you are so funny sometimes, think of the mess!”. That hapless soul in the elevator is probably going to start inching away from you real fast.

If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s this: if you’re losing your mind, be discreet. If you’re not losing your mind, try as hard as possible to make sure others don’t find it ridiculously easy to think your cheese has slipped off your cracker.

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