I’ve long been leery of lipstick. The application of it takes time to master, there’s a science to picking just the right shade, and I’m so unused to the way I look with it on, I can’t help but think I look like a clown school reject with it on.
There are just too many things to practice and learn about wearing lipstick, and ain’t nobody got time for that. Nobody being, of course, stay at home mothers who are also authors. I’m sure all you other women have the time and skills necessary to wear lipstick without having to write a blog post about it. Though I suppose an effective argument could be made that in the time it takes me to type this blog post, I could be perfecting my lipstick game. Well played, counselor.
For my eighth anniversary a couple weeks ago, I decided I wanted to fancy things up a bit. I had just gotten my hair cut and colored and thought some lipstick might just be what was missing. I talked myself into trying some on, and did my best to convince myself I wasn’t intimidated by all the shades and accessories. I found a shade I thought worked, bought it, and dutifully applied it before my date with Wes, thinking I was all chic and fancy and capable of pulling the red lipstick look off.
Wrong. False. Incorrect. Within minutes I discovered a few problems with lipstick:
- Kissing someone is a very bad idea when you’re wearing lipstick. Especially if you don’t want your husband looking like a reject from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. This is kind of a deal breaker when you’re on a romantic date with your husband celebrating your anniversary. This isn’t Wuthering Heights, y’all. I’m not into expressing my affection for him with meaningful glances from a chaste distance.
- Lipstick gets on your teeth. Not sure how, but it does. So you either get full coverage of your lips and walk around looking like a red-toothed idiot, or you don’t put it on all the way around and look like a fool who doesn’t know what she’s doing. When both of these are the case (the idiot and the fool) you may just be the wrong kind of girl to wear lipstick.
- Lipstick gets all over your food. Wes and I went to a Dim Sun restaurant and I ate some soup and oh, what is that? Am I bleeding? No, no you are not, there’s just lipstick on everything in your life now. Husband, teeth, food, oh and yes, let’s get some on your hair too. RUE THE DAY, LIPSTICK OWNS YOU NOW.
In a fit of pique, I wiped off all remaining traces of lipstick and ate my meal in peace. And you know what? A little colored chap stick and some lip gloss later and I was good to go. Not as fancy, but 1000% less paranoid and uncomfortable.
I’ve been assured that I will one day master lipstick, and to that I say sure. I can think of a hundred other things I’d like to put my energy into perfecting first, but I won’t discount the notion of someday being one of those impossibly graceful women who wear lipstick and make it look easy.
Until that day, though? Feh. Feh and nope. I figure confident and unstressed is preferable to insecure and paranoid any day.