In light of my recent commitment to quit drinking coffee, I think that this Thursday’s Thing That Does Not Suck will be about addiction, and how addiction is not really at all such a bad thing sometimes:Now, I’m well aware that some people have a genuine problem with addiction. I, myself, struggled with a debilitating Krispy Kreme addiction when a store opened up close to my house, and the detox for that s.o.b. was a nightmare. Believe me, I know how troublesome a good old-fashioned addiction can be.

I don’t think my utter and complete devotion to coffee is a problem, though. No, no, no. Sure, I get headaches if I drink less than two cups of coffee every single morning within an hour of waking up. Also, don’t pay any attention to my unusually high blood pressure or general inability to sit still for long periods of time. Oh, and pay absolutely no heed to the fact that if I don’t have coffee in the morning, but I can smell it somewhere, my hands start to shake.

The evidence is pretty conclusive that I do not now, nor have I ever had, a problem with coffee addiction. I’m fit as a strung-out fiddle, thanks so much.

Today was my second day quitting coffee cold turkey and, aside from the piercing headache and general lethargy, I feel terrific. I’m hoping that the detox period from coffee is shorter than the one for pumpkin creme frappuccinos because, if it’s not, I’m in for a world of hurt.

You don’t think the people at Starbucks would mind if I leaned over their shoulders to smell their drinks, do you? Surely they won’t mind if I hunch over in the corner, shaking and muttering, while hoping for at least a coffee contact high? Surely not.

After all, what’s the point of going to a coffee shop if a strung-out junkie isn’t going to sit there trying to figure out how quickly he/she could jump you, steal your coffee, and dash to a hiding spot to drink it before getting nabbed by the cops?