Vacation Detox

You know how when you’re on vacation, you eat more than you should of things you should never really eat at all because hey, you’re on vacation?  And then you get home from vacation and your pants don’t fit and you want to shame-eat a box of brownies but then the self-loathing kicks in and you throw the brownies in the trash and then briefly consider eating them out of the trash before covering them in dish soap and forcing yourself to exit the kitchen?

Yeah.  Let’s just say that I had a love affair with Crunch bars and Cashew Clusters last week and my stomach is loudly protesting the lack of snack food right now.  I’m going to attempt to drown out my gastrointestinal outrage by sharing some nonsense with you.

Specifically, the nonsense that leads people to my blog when they search for these things on the Internet.  I have this nifty thing called Google Analytics that enables me to spy on how many people come hang out on my blog, how they find me, which posts they like most, etc.  It also tells me what keyword searches people do that lead them to wash up on the shores here.

I did a post like this a long time ago, so here’s the updated version.  I now present to you the top ten most ridiculous search queries that lead people to my blog:

  • “How to make mommy ducks forget her ducklings” Because mommy ducks suck, and everyone knows it.
  • “Pushing contractions confused” Sounds like I’m not to only one who was confounded by her pushing contractions!
  • “Married in a tutu” Is it bad that I don’t even remember writing about that?
  • “Thumb in the eye phrase” Apparently I’m an expert.
  • “Erika Mitchell naked” Erika Mitchell is actually the name of a model, so I’m certain this person wasn’t looking for me.  And was probably disappointed in what he/she found.  Unless someone actually was looking for nekkid pictures of me, in which case…FOR SHAME!!!
  • “Celebration rugs happy human stick figures dance” Doesn’t this one sound like a Mad Lib but without the surrounding story?
  • “Creepy stalker songs” I’m not the only one who considers this song creepy.
  • “Ihop prenatal vitamins” … … …Dude, I don’t even know.
  • “Hump my purse” Thankfully in my case it was my dog humping my purse, not something infinitely more sinister and/or disturbing.
  • “Finger punch” YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4 thoughts on “Vacation Detox

  1. I wonder if the IHOP refers to the house of prayer, and the prenatals refer to something I posted in a comment or something? Other explanation is someone is selling prenatals crushed into IHOP pancakes?

  2. -Jennifer, I thought about that too! I have no idea how Google throws things together with their search algorithms, but whatevs. If IHOP comes out with prenatal pancakes, though, it might just be game over for my next pregnancy.

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